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Nov. 6th, 2004 10:44 pmIt's weird, I feel like I've done something great, like I've came to this great revelation. But meh, judge for yourself.
My dad is a very cynical man. And negative and critical as well. And he's always reasoned to me that he wanted me to be a leader. To stop following the rules and take control. He laughs at me whenever I do any humanitarian.
However, he somehow still has morals???? He'd reprimand me for not taking advantage of soda pop fountain even though refills weren't allowed, but he'd look with approval if I walked an old lady across the street (but still make fun of me for it), and he'd reprimand me for not helping my mom, while he would look at me with disapproval when i give into her will.
He made some sort of sense of it, he said that smart people shouldn't be manipulated and that they take advantage of others and get ahead. Like if it was the only way to not be dumb, or the only way to truly succeed in life.
So I go through this trouble, I feel bad when I'm doing something good, while i have use double resistance from doing some bad things, and when the resistance fails, i feel guilty after it.
So, lately, I figured it out and confronted him with the flaws in his logic. That in his mind, Goodness, success and happiness was somehow coorelated with leadership/manipulatation. While if obviously wasn't. I gave him examples of unhappy manipulators: Stalin, Hitler, Chaing Kai Shek, Jesus (I apologize beforehand for putting the good with the bad, but for my dad there is little distinction between them), Ghandi, etc. And then examples of happy non-manipulators. I showed him that good things rarely come out of manipulation and lit the fire that made his arguement explode in his face. (thank god for letting him be such an open minded man) I showed him that he was trying to make me a leader without any justification to, and possibly pushing me into something that probably isn't good for me. I also showed him that most leaders end up bullshiting themselves as well as their followers, if they weren't disoeriented already; and that power most often corrupts and hurts it's owners.
He apologized, and said that (translated): "It's just that nobody ever told me that when I was growing up, and when I figured it out it was too late". I suppose that he felt betrayed by the world, in his education he was taught to be a good citizen and a pious man and 3rd world capitalist conformist shit like that. And he learned about the real world the hard way, felt manipulated, saw large manipulation of large amounts of people, and he didn't want the same for me. Hence why he wanted be to take the lead and be the manipulator. What he didn't realize is that the manipulators were manipulating themselves as well, and he was basically telling a perfectly sane kid to go insane.
I feel more free now, i suppose. I dunno, I just think it's rare that a kid figures out a part of what's wrong with his life and fixes it. Would another kid do the same? Maybe his talk about defying authority led me to defy his definition of defying authority? Maybe I should do the same to my kid on purpose just to see what happens? All I know is, I would have never have come to those realizations if not he did that, and yet, it was a close call that I did. But if he didn't do that, maybe I would have come to his rough conclusion in the end? I don't know, I just don't know. I can't say anything definate, except one thing is for sure, I feels some pride in this, but now is it justified?
My dad is a very cynical man. And negative and critical as well. And he's always reasoned to me that he wanted me to be a leader. To stop following the rules and take control. He laughs at me whenever I do any humanitarian.
However, he somehow still has morals???? He'd reprimand me for not taking advantage of soda pop fountain even though refills weren't allowed, but he'd look with approval if I walked an old lady across the street (but still make fun of me for it), and he'd reprimand me for not helping my mom, while he would look at me with disapproval when i give into her will.
He made some sort of sense of it, he said that smart people shouldn't be manipulated and that they take advantage of others and get ahead. Like if it was the only way to not be dumb, or the only way to truly succeed in life.
So I go through this trouble, I feel bad when I'm doing something good, while i have use double resistance from doing some bad things, and when the resistance fails, i feel guilty after it.
So, lately, I figured it out and confronted him with the flaws in his logic. That in his mind, Goodness, success and happiness was somehow coorelated with leadership/manipulatation. While if obviously wasn't. I gave him examples of unhappy manipulators: Stalin, Hitler, Chaing Kai Shek, Jesus (I apologize beforehand for putting the good with the bad, but for my dad there is little distinction between them), Ghandi, etc. And then examples of happy non-manipulators. I showed him that good things rarely come out of manipulation and lit the fire that made his arguement explode in his face. (thank god for letting him be such an open minded man) I showed him that he was trying to make me a leader without any justification to, and possibly pushing me into something that probably isn't good for me. I also showed him that most leaders end up bullshiting themselves as well as their followers, if they weren't disoeriented already; and that power most often corrupts and hurts it's owners.
He apologized, and said that (translated): "It's just that nobody ever told me that when I was growing up, and when I figured it out it was too late". I suppose that he felt betrayed by the world, in his education he was taught to be a good citizen and a pious man and 3rd world capitalist conformist shit like that. And he learned about the real world the hard way, felt manipulated, saw large manipulation of large amounts of people, and he didn't want the same for me. Hence why he wanted be to take the lead and be the manipulator. What he didn't realize is that the manipulators were manipulating themselves as well, and he was basically telling a perfectly sane kid to go insane.
I feel more free now, i suppose. I dunno, I just think it's rare that a kid figures out a part of what's wrong with his life and fixes it. Would another kid do the same? Maybe his talk about defying authority led me to defy his definition of defying authority? Maybe I should do the same to my kid on purpose just to see what happens? All I know is, I would have never have come to those realizations if not he did that, and yet, it was a close call that I did. But if he didn't do that, maybe I would have come to his rough conclusion in the end? I don't know, I just don't know. I can't say anything definate, except one thing is for sure, I feels some pride in this, but now is it justified?
